The Art of Failure
by Emerald Ashes
Summary: With Jack Spicer on their side, evil was sure to lose.


**The Art of Failure**

The only thing I'm good at is failure. I failed to gain my parents' attention, to make friends, to live up to my potential as a "genius." Every time it seems like I might have some talent in something, I go and screw it up.

Like the year I played soccer at some local kiddie league. Yeah, I wasn't that good (I tripped. A lot), but I wasn't any worse than any of the other brats. Of course, then I broke a leg, and Mom stopped by the house just long enough to ban me from soccer.

After I healed, she sent me off to ice skating for a "safer" sport. Heh, right. Let me tell you something, ice is hard and those little girls are _mean._ Yeah, that didn't last long.

For a while, I focused on activities that wouldn't land me with a black eye. I tried out art, music, acting, cooking, sewing – pretty much everything I could think of – but each ended in some spectacular failure and occasional property damage. I'm still not allowed within fifty feet of Beihai Park.

So, I got used to entertaining myself. Obviously, organized…anything hadn't worked out for me, so I started messing around at home. It wasn't like I had friends, anyway. That was when I started building things. For a while there, I really thought I'd found my calling. I was good with technology. My inventions came together perfectly, and I did things that really shouldn't have been possible. But, within a few days, every machine managed to malfunction or break. No matter how I tried to fix them, they never worked. And they usually exploded. Except for the bombs.

Failure, remember?

It was almost like a super power, or maybe some kind of carnival act. Look and be amazed as Failure Boy fails at every task assigned to him. Marvel as he loses at chess to his three-year-old cousin! Gasp as he sets fire to the toaster! Laugh as he flunks out of school while _insisting_ that he's a genius!

It just never ended. I must have burned down a village in a past life, or something, because my karma is the worse I've ever seen.

Then, one day, my Dad sent me a puzzle box. I like puzzles. I always seem to get stuck on the last step, but they're pretty fun until then. The weird thing is: I actually solved the puzzle. Normally, I'd have done a little happy dance, stubbed my toe, and sulked over pudding. The evil spirit that flew out killed my excitement pretty fast, however.

I should have seen it coming. Well, maybe not the "unleashing evil unto the world" part, but the small victory followed by crushing disappointment? Yeah, that's pretty typical.

It turns out that I'd released Wuya, a being intent upon collecting a bunch of magical artifacts and conquering the world. My attempts to exorcise her were a total failure, so I ended up helping her out.

Oh, don't look at me like that! It's not like I was evil or anything, even though that sort of became my catch phrase, "Jack Spicer: Evil Boy Genius." It started off as a joke, but I'm about as bad as joking as I am at everything else.

Nah, I wanted Wuya to fail as much as anybody. She was sociopathic, sadistic , and _really _rude. If I'd tried to fight her, though, I would have lost. Way better to lose while fighting _for_ her. I've never won anything in my life, so teaming up with Wuya guaranteed her failure.

I did give it my all. I'm no slacker, even when I'm trying to lose. Still, I was pathetic at physical contests, my inventions never worked, and my opponents had magic powers. It's no wonder I lost.

Of course, even I had to win sometimes. There were even a few times when I could have gained a truly dangerous Wu, something that would have given Wuya – and later Chase – a real shot at world domination. I always messed up at the last second, but – no matter how ridiculous my "mistake" – no one ever questioned it.

After all, I'm Jack Spicer. Failure is what I'm good at.

**A/N: I'm pretty sure there's an episode where Spicer tried to become a monk, but left because he was afraid he'd be as bad at being good as he is at being evil. In this fic, he treats his sure-fire failure as a legitimate skill and chooses sides accordingly.**

**I'm a little iffy on the genre. Thoughts? As always, reviews are beloved, whether they're a page long or only one word.**


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